Memory Of A Smile

I’ve stopped seeing that smile that I used to put on your face. I then had asked you, why don’t you look happy to see me anymore. I do know that it is vague, but it is just the feeling that you had given me. Each time you would put on that irresistible captivating smile that would grasp and melt my heart whenever you looked at me, I was that someone that you longed for and happy to see.

I once saw that same smile again, but I then had realized that that smile was put on by another guy. I was no longer that person.

You then who was the one that made me think once again, was I just an infatuation to you. You’ve changed me into loving you, but your love has changed for another.

Friendship

 
Is it brutal to not have a relationship in life? Is it possible to live your life without a partner, but just having friendships? 

Sometimes I tell myself that friendships are more worth it, and it last compare to relationships, but sometimes that’s seems not to be the case, as those two are complete different experience. Friendships, you don’t really expect so much from them, but when it does become intense, good for you. However, relationships are like a life time expectations, you tend to see a future together, that’s the only difference, but sometimes it doesn’t last.

I don’t think anyone in no world will plan to spend their whole life with some else as a friend, or to commit to a person. In a friendship I have my own life, and you have yours, but just that I include you in my memories of that current moment that we share. It is indeed special, but they wouldn’t travel with you, go wherever you go, do whatever you do, nor live with you. But if you have a friend like that, that is some special friend you have there.

Having someone to grow up with, experience life with and go through everything with is just a marvellous thing to have, but it’s hard to find a friend like that. Sometimes I wonder, do they exist?

SOMEONE

I wanna lie on someone’s arm when I’m asleep, I wanna cuddle someone when I feel insucure, I wanna rest my head of someone’s shoulders when I’m tired, I want a warm hug from someone when I’m sad, I want someone to kiss my lips to make me happy, I want someone to talk heart to heart to when it’s 4 o’clock in the morning, I want someone to accompany me throughout my life, no matter is it having someone to cuddle around, watch movies together, shop together, drive around together, I just want a companion…

BITCH PLEASE!

Humans learn to judge by themselves. They try to be better than others, thus if someone seems to outstand them, they’ll feel intimidated. Sometimes you don’t have to do things perfectly as you are perfect as who you are, but judgmental people seems to badmouth the others so that they could feel better. 

Giving & Receiving

There were days where you have nowhere to go, but you wonder around… Wonder where should you go, what should you do? Or you might have days where you lose something, something essential like a place to live. Having the fear of having something tonight and losing it the next night is devastating. What would you do when you feel so lost, so lost that you just wanna seek for love and care, to see the world that the others were living.

There I was homeless, I’ve no place to sleep for the night. I came back from the capital of the city, I was devastated no knowing where should I go as I’ve no one to depend or trust on. Sooner or later I realised that I’ve finished that bottle of vodka in public as I poured it into a Starbucks cup and enjoyed it as if I was drinking a cup of hot coffee. It’s weird that I rarely drank in bars or with a mate of mine. Drinking has never been joyful and happy for me, but it expresses my devastation deeply from my heart.

It’s 1 o’clock in the morning, Starbucks has closed for business, but I’m not fully conscious of myself as the alcohol is kicking in. I walked myself to the nearest McDonald’s and began to fell asleep, but before that I unconsciously ordered myself a late night dinner and ate it recklessly not even knowing how do I look like in that state.

I was really tired, tired of the long journey, tired of walking and travelling, tired of staying up till that hour as I didn’t had a good night sleep, and mostly I’m tired of losing hope. I slept the early morning as in midnight and woke up after the alcohol subsided as a bottle of vodka can’t make me dead drunk. I was woken up by the loud and annoying music, also the bright lights and these Chinese sitting across me talking loudly like nobody’s business.

I couldn’t help it but stay awake the whole night waiting for the sun to rise and for me to get a nice rest. It is half past 3, but I habe nothing to do, hence I reach for some newspapers in my bag and completed the Sudoku game that is in it and waited as time passed.

I brought some kisses for someone who’s not worthy enough, as those kisses are the main reason for me travelling to a foreign place so far and had nothing accomplished, but return homeless and worn out. I met this lady who works night shift in McDonald’s that night where I was awake doing nothing, but freezing to death as I had no thick clothing and the weather is so cold. I associated with her as we shared some thoughts. That day before I left, I took all the kisses that I bought and instead of giving it to the person that made me brought all the way for, I gave it as I had sympathy for her working so hard till the morning just to earn some money.

A month later, there I was, homeless again, I walked in the door and saw a familiar face by the cashier. It was her, the lady, I stayed there for the night again. I went to the counter and called her ‘Sister’ and she smiled at me and ask if I was doing good, that’s when I felt warm. Even if I’m homeless for today, I had made someone’s day and so as a return, I suddenly felt that humanity of kindness.

We shouldn’t be selfish, but give, don’t give in what you can’t, but you can, it’s not the matter of willingness, but do an act of kindness for others. Givers are not for the rich, but for the one that has felt poverty and the feeling of having nothing and needs it. It’s good to give within what we have to others who needs it more rather than thinking of losing it, but be thankful.

Accents In Language

Have you tried speaking Korean thinking that you’re fluent and at some point you just think that you sound foreign? Why I do have a Seoul or Northern accent when it comes to korean, well at some point. Some Koreans do tell me, you do sound just like a Korean, but I know sometimes I have a weird accent, or possibly an asian foreign accent.

Why am I say this? I don’t know if you guys would relate, but I have several accents for different languages I speak. To be honest with you guys, I don’t know what is my accent, but I’d say the accent which I have is from the country that I’m born and raise in.

I don’t know why do I have so many accents and if they are legitimately an accent. I’m not English to start with, but I do get questions by local if I’m British, but I’d always say that I don’t have an English accent but a local accent, just that it’s not typical.

Of course an accent that we speak in makes us feel most comfortable in the language we speak, but I don’t have a fix accent for any languages I speak, that includes English. In our country, English is not foreign to us, hence we do have our own way of speaking English, though I speak in a standard English without an think English accent, I do sound Australian or English at some point. People just find it weird cause English in here is a genuine language not the English that we are used to.

This is mainly why I don’t feel comfortable speaking in English though it’s my first language. Of course I speak in a local accent, but to be precise, I speak in 9 different accents and all different based on the language I’m speaking.

It’s a good thing when I’m speaking Korean as Korean is mainly spoken in Korea, but in our country we have loads of accents, probably everyone has they’re own accent and we are all multilingual. This is mainly why I speak in different accents just cause we don’t really have a standard accent.

Upcoming Movie!?

Hey guys! I know it’s been a while and yes I’m still alive. So it’s Summer holidays for me and things are getting not so productive as usual. I actually had a list of things planned out for this holiday, but there’s something in me that tells me not to as it’s kinda useless at least for now. I  don’t wanna list out what were my plans, but great news! I’ve some new plans, but I’m keeping some of them like travelling maybe? And the point is Korean, yes, it’s been way too long since I’ve touch those textbooks of mine, but I’ve been speaking some korean hear and there in school. You might wonder why does it seem like I’m always busy in school and stuff and what I’m still in school? Why that’s right! It’s like I’ll never graduate, but I’m not sure that if I’ve written about school in my past posts, but yeah.

I wish to pick up Korean by this Summer and of course practice all my music pieces for an upcoming exam. If you’ve read my blog for the past few years, you might know what musical instrument that I’m talking about. Just for an update on what am I doing this whole time when I’m away, I was basically preparing for my exams for the last semester and writing… loads of them! I can’t preview my stories just yet, but I’ve written quite a few of them, just that it’s not completed, hence I’ve not posted it online, and yes it’s an online novel, but there’s one which is a script for a movie that I don’t even know where to start. I’m sorry that I can’t review any of it just yet, but for the movie script, I’ll let you guys know once it is previewed and aired online. It’s a major production which I estimate to be over a year, but I’m basically the scriptwriter, producer and editor. It’s really hard for me to say, but fingers crossed. I hope the directors, supervisors, managers and all the production crew makes me happy. Most of the things are set, besides having to cast the actors that I want, but the name of the movie will be ‘UNREACHABLE’《暗恋の滋味》 please look out for it! It’s gonna be an asian movie, but of course with English subtitles.

I don’t know whether will I be continuing writing stuff like that to you guys of start writing what I used to like about some life documentaries, reviews on Korean study websites and places, or a blog about me, but I’ll think of something. Anyways for you guys out there who are interested in knowing what are my study materials for Korean now, would be ‘다음사전’ or simply ‘DAUM dictionary’ and 서강 coursebooks. Still my favourite study books. Thank you guys, for now… Cheerio!

0400 An Update

I learned loads about myself this year. I realised that I’m good in analysing and reasoning things maybe it’s because it’s satisfying for me. I discovered that I have athelophobia too, it is something like phobia in making a mistake or doing something wrong and it’s like an anxiety, not cool but it’s expected as sometimes I think too much. This is not affecting me a lot, but it kinda creates the character that I am today. Something that I grew up with maybe.

I can’t wait for June as my life is gonna be normal again, I guess, but I’m definitely still going to be a little busy, however I want to start writing more again. Not to mention my blog is about life. I’m sorry that I don’t entertain you guys with articles and word about today’s music, Korea, lifestyles or arts. To be honest, I just like sharing life experiences and interesting topics on anything and just so happened that I like artistic stuff like deep documentary or descriptive stories, music, life and sorts that interests me, therefore I did bits of this and that over the year. I wish that I can stay a little more stable in the future and share some interesting stories with you guys! See you!

This Is Not Me

How far is far? Sometimes or maybe most of the time the answer is in everyone of us. Far can be near, but at some times near could be as far as you can’t imagine, that closeness isn’t touchable but could be seen. Things can be seen, it feels close to you yet far, maybe it’s because we’re not there to realise that it may not seem that realistic in your world, we may be invincible to others and ourselves. Life holds the faith to every being in situations, you may be something or nothing, it’s brutal and can lead to some really judgmental thoughts. Something pure is innocent, but is someone else’s eyes it could be pathetic or maybe sad, but I could say that it’s just a process of growing, you’ll learn what is pain, bitter and life. Some things may seem perfect, but it’s not, find things that make you happy, no matter it’s somewhere, somebody or someplace, if you don’t feel disturbed or a mind full of problems, if it’s only just a sec, it’s still worth it! Do what you believe, think what you want, question yourself; empower yourself and stay calm. Even though you’re moving slow, just make sure that you don’t stop, keep it as slow as you want and charge!

Fantasy

Whenever I go through my writer’s post I always feel overwhelmed by the life I’ve had these past years. I learn Korean as an interest, but when I’m doing that, I realised that I’ve gain to know more about my life with this blog that I have. Those memories are good and it feels like a fantasy to me. I didn’t realise that there was happiness in my life until I have memories.

I really miss those days when I would stay in bed with a blanket on and a cup of unsweetened coffee, nicely tucked in,  on my laptop in my cold bedroom when the weather is cold, rainy, windy, dark greyish blue sky, bright day, feeling innocent and watching a movie or a video or just listening music on my laptop while typing.

Thinking of my past just gives me butterflies in my stomach. It feels like a fantasy.